I'm not sure who will read this and if no one does, than it's ok. I am mainly posting this for my sanity and to get my fears, worries and all that jazz off my chest. I feel writing in my own personal journal and updating this blog from time to time helps to balance out my thoughts and feelings (although I'm not great at posting on this thing & am still slow at trying to figure this whole blog thing out even after a few years of starting it) Lol. And I accidentally deleted all of my friends/ family blogs I had on my list trying to change out my blog layout. Oops! Guess I'll have to mess with that later. But for now, I'll get on with my post.
Infertility:
*Is an emotional roller coaster
*Makes one feel broken in a sense
*Causes confusion & anxiety
*Changes me into more of a serious/ bitter person from time to time
*Sometimes requires surgery
*Is hard when your hubby & you both want a baby so bad, have tried lots of things & it's still not successful
*Something we really don't have control over
*Sucks
These are just a few things infertility can cause. I unfortunately have experienced all of them. I really have tried my hardest to be strong and to not be a sour-puss but it's so much easier said than done and when the thought of becoming a mommy & daddy consumes you, and it's still not happening... it's exhausting!
Jared and I have tried charting our cycles, IUI and HCG shots, lots of blood tests, laporoscopic surgery, being put on medication to hopefully slow the growth of my endometriosis while causing menopausal symptoms...etc. I'm tired! I so badly want to be a mommy and for Jared to be a daddy because I know he will make the best daddy ever! Knowing that I haven't been able to give him a child, while lots of women seem to conceive all the time sometimes makes me feel that I've failed him. Aren't we all supposed to be capable of starting our own family? Isn't that part of the reason we are here? I don't know...today I just have to vent.
We are being faced with a big decision here, coming up. Our fertility specialist has suggested we try IVF. You have to give yourself shots for 12 days straight, 3 times a day! Yikes!! For someone that has a needle phobia...it's a bit scary to think about. After the shots, they knock you out and do an egg retrieval. If my eggs are good, then they will combine my husbands sperm and hopefully make a healthy little embryo. From there, they will insert the embryo into my uterus and if it's Gods will, we will have a baby. Sounds simple enough right? Well the only really sucky factor of it is the cost and the "what if" factor. What if we invest all this money into this one procedure and still come out of it with no baby?? That just makes me sick to think about. What if we don't try this procedure and always wonder if it would have worked?
My sister has endometriosis as well. It hasn't been an easy road for her either (with one of her ovaries bursting because of the endo). As a kid I had no clue what she was really going through. We are basically a decade a part in age. I've always looked up to her. She is a big strength to me in this whole process. I feel so sorry for her that she has this yucky "disease," but am so glad that I have her example and being that she's dealt with infertility because of this, I feel I am not alone. I also have the most amazing hubby who is by my side and supports me through it all. For that, I am so grateful. We do have so much to be thankful for. I wish I could only have those good days where I only focus on my blessings. But I guess I'm human and I let hard times get me down from time to time.
So what to do from here? Do I go ahead and try this costly, physically and emotional trying procedure? At a chance of getting preggo? We're leaning towards IVF at this point. Trying everything in our power to be able to conceive. I just ask if anyone is reading this, will you please pray for us? For a miracle? My sis had the same procedure done a little over 10 years ago and she was successful with her IVF procedure. However, there are many ladies whom have tried and the procedure failed.
Crazy times ahead...at least we have support for eachother and from friends and family. It's in our fertility specialists and God's hands now. What we need now is just a few more doses of faith and hope.
One way or another, be it through IVF or adoption...we will be parents someday and will look forward to the day where we no longer have empty arms.
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Ah, you sweet woman. I wish there was something I could do to help you and I'm sure that even saying 'I'm sorry' doesn't really help. Just that we all have our own trials in life and that Heavenly Father never gives us more than we can handle; I know one day you'll be blessed with a baby.
ReplyDeleteI think doing IVF is the right thing to do; even though it's a lot of money and even more emotionally and financially draining than what you've been going through...it's better to try than regret not trying in the future.
I have a friend who had to have IVF in order to get pregnant with her second child; turned out she got pregnant with twins! If you'd like to read what she went through, check out her blog: http://jaromandkristin.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2012-02-19T11:26:00-07:00&max-results=10&start=33&by-date=false.
And yes, I will pray for you and send all my love as you try for a baby. But please don't blame yourself and think that you're letting your hubby down.
You two are "one" and so it is a trial for both of you. What a lucky woman you are to have him supporting you through it all.
Heavenly Father knows your desire to be a mother and he knows how much potential you have in that role...so you will be blessed one day. Keep your chin up girl.
(I have another friend that had difficulty getting pregnant...they built their family through adoption: http://danandemilyfurse.blogspot.com/)
I think her blog is private so if you're interested in reading about their "journey" try emailing her and getting permission: emily_furse@hotmail.com or finding her on FB.
LOVE!
Kimmy!!! We will DEFINITELY pray for you! The shots... eeek! I wanna visit you ASAP! Now that you're back, we MUST do a visit together :)
ReplyDeleteI am so proud of you. Thank you so much for your humility and trust in God. Your desire to be a mommy is so pure that I Know Heavenly Father will bless you. The IVF procedure sounds simply, scary, and exciting. If you do this, then you will know that you tried everything you could for that sweet child who will come through you and Jared, or adoption. Either way, your kids mean that much to you to go through shots every day for 12 days!
I look up to you. We support you in whatever happens and are there for you. Even when you admit your frustration and sadness at times, you are still one of the most special women I know. A woman so special wouldn't even have those concerns! Now-a-days, children aren't a priority as much as other things. I applaud your desire to be a mother. I wish for the same.
I take comfort in your strength. :) Everything will be okay... even if it's easier said than done. ;)
<3
Hey. I am sorry that you guys are having trouble. We will definately keep you and Jared in our thoughts and prayers. We are in the same boat you are in however our situation is different. We had our second attempt at IVF about a month ago and for the second time it failed. I of course was devistated. We are now taking a break and changing doctors. It is really hard but everything will work out. You just need to relax, pray, and take things one step at a time. If you ever want to talk about the procedure or anything, call me (714-322-9974) or send me a message.
ReplyDeleteKim, I pray for you guys all the time. It seems sometimes that Heavenly Father makes conceiving the hardest on the people who are the most deserving and best fitted. I guess because he knows you will do anything and then that baby will be the most loved thing ever. Don't give up- it will happen for you! Maybe not the way you always envisioned it, but it will. We love you and don't forget about all your awesome family that is by your side too!
ReplyDeleteChristy
Kimmi, I am so sorry! I had a recent experience with endometriosis and had surgery to remove it. I'm sure my experience doesn't compare but I can say that I am more understanding what you may be experiencing than I was before. Josh and I will pray for you. My suggestion is to do whatever you can to bring your babies here. If you have your patriarchal blessing, read it often. I will also put your names on the temple prayer roll. Keep us updated and let me know when you'll be coming to Logan next so we can get together k.
ReplyDeleteThanks gals for all of your kind comments & concern! I really appreciate it. Just to let you guys know that Jared & I will be starting the IVF procedure as soon as we can. We're both cautiously optimistic and praying and hoping for the best. We are however only doing this procedure once (as it's pretty costly). So if you will keep us in your prayers, we would really appreciate it. :) Thanks again for the love! Whether it be through this IVF procedure or adopting eventually, we cannot wait to be parents one day.
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