I'm not sure who will read this and if no one does, than it's ok. I am mainly posting this for my sanity and to get my fears, worries and all that jazz off my chest. I feel writing in my own personal journal and updating this blog from time to time helps to balance out my thoughts and feelings (although I'm not great at posting on this thing & am still slow at trying to figure this whole blog thing out even after a few years of starting it) Lol. And I accidentally deleted all of my friends/ family blogs I had on my list trying to change out my blog layout. Oops! Guess I'll have to mess with that later. But for now, I'll get on with my post.
*Is an emotional roller coaster
*Makes one feel broken in a sense
*Causes confusion & anxiety
*Changes me into more of a serious/ bitter person from time to time
*Sometimes requires surgery
*Is hard when your hubby & you both want a baby so bad, have tried lots of things & it's still not successful
*Something we really don't have control over
These are just a few things infertility can cause. I unfortunately have experienced all of them. I really have tried my hardest to be strong and to not be a sour-puss but it's so much easier said than done and when the thought of becoming a mommy & daddy consumes you, and it's still not happening... it's exhausting!
Jared and I have tried charting our cycles, IUI and HCG shots, lots of blood tests, laporoscopic surgery, being put on medication to hopefully slow the growth of my endometriosis while causing menopausal symptoms...etc. I'm tired! I so badly want to be a mommy and for Jared to be a daddy because I know he will make the best daddy ever! Knowing that I haven't been able to give him a child, while lots of women seem to conceive all the time sometimes makes me feel that I've failed him. Aren't we all supposed to be capable of starting our own family? Isn't that part of the reason we are here? I don't know...today I just have to vent.
We are being faced with a big decision here, coming up. Our fertility specialist has suggested we try IVF. You have to give yourself shots for 12 days straight, 3 times a day! Yikes!! For someone that has a needle phobia...it's a bit scary to think about. After the shots, they knock you out and do an egg retrieval. If my eggs are good, then they will combine my husbands sperm and hopefully make a healthy little embryo. From there, they will insert the embryo into my uterus and if it's Gods will, we will have a baby. Sounds simple enough right? Well the only really sucky factor of it is the cost and the "what if" factor. What if we invest all this money into this one procedure and still come out of it with no baby?? That just makes me sick to think about. What if we don't try this procedure and always wonder if it would have worked?
My sister has endometriosis as well. It hasn't been an easy road for her either (with one of her ovaries bursting because of the endo). As a kid I had no clue what she was really going through. We are basically a decade a part in age. I've always looked up to her. She is a big strength to me in this whole process. I feel so sorry for her that she has this yucky "disease," but am so glad that I have her example and being that she's dealt with infertility because of this, I feel I am not alone. I also have the most amazing hubby who is by my side and supports me through it all. For that, I am so grateful. We do have so much to be thankful for. I wish I could only have those good days where I only focus on my blessings. But I guess I'm human and I let hard times get me down from time to time.
So what to do from here? Do I go ahead and try this costly, physically and emotional trying procedure? At a chance of getting preggo? We're leaning towards IVF at this point. Trying everything in our power to be able to conceive. I just ask if anyone is reading this, will you please pray for us? For a miracle? My sis had the same procedure done a little over 10 years ago and she was successful with her IVF procedure. However, there are many ladies whom have tried and the procedure failed.
Crazy times ahead...at least we have support for eachother and from friends and family. It's in our fertility specialists and God's hands now. What we need now is just a few more doses of faith and hope.
One way or another, be it through IVF or adoption...we will be parents someday and will look forward to the day where we no longer have empty arms.