Infertility

I'm not sure who will read this and if no one does, than it's ok. I am mainly posting this for my sanity and to get my fears, worries and all that jazz off my chest. I feel writing in my own personal journal and updating this blog from time to time helps to balance out my thoughts and feelings (although I'm not great at posting on this thing & am still slow at trying to figure this whole blog thing out even after a few years of starting it) Lol. And I accidentally deleted all of my friends/ family blogs I had on my list trying to change out my blog layout. Oops! Guess I'll have to mess with that later. But for now, I'll get on with my post.

Infertility:

*Is an emotional roller coaster
*Makes one feel broken in a sense
*Causes confusion & anxiety
*Changes me into more of a serious/ bitter person from time to time
*Sometimes requires surgery
*Is hard when your hubby & you both want a baby so bad, have tried lots of things & it's still not successful
*Something we really don't have control over
*Sucks

These are just a few things infertility can cause. I unfortunately have experienced all of them. I really have tried my hardest to be strong and to not be a sour-puss but it's so much easier said than done and when the thought of becoming a mommy & daddy consumes you, and it's still not happening... it's exhausting!

Jared and I have tried charting our cycles, IUI and HCG shots, lots of blood tests, laporoscopic surgery, being put on medication to hopefully slow the growth of my endometriosis while causing menopausal symptoms...etc. I'm tired! I so badly want to be a mommy and for Jared to be a daddy because I know he will make the best daddy ever! Knowing that I haven't been able to give him a child, while lots of women seem to conceive all the time sometimes makes me feel that I've failed him. Aren't we all supposed to be capable of starting our own family? Isn't that part of the reason we are here? I don't know...today I just have to vent.

We are being faced with a big decision here, coming up. Our fertility specialist has suggested we try IVF. You have to give yourself shots for 12 days straight, 3 times a day! Yikes!! For someone that has a needle phobia...it's a bit scary to think about. After the shots, they knock you out and do an egg retrieval. If my eggs are good, then they will combine my husbands sperm and hopefully make a healthy little embryo. From there, they will insert the embryo into my uterus and if it's Gods will, we will have a baby. Sounds simple enough right? Well the only really sucky factor of it is the cost and the "what if" factor. What if we invest all this money into this one procedure and still come out of it with no baby?? That just makes me sick to think about. What if we don't try this procedure and always wonder if it would have worked?

My sister has endometriosis as well. It hasn't been an easy road for her either (with one of her ovaries bursting because of the endo). As a kid I had no clue what she was really going through. We are basically a decade a part in age. I've always looked up to her. She is a big strength to me in this whole process. I feel so sorry for her that she has this yucky "disease," but am so glad that I have her example and being that she's dealt with infertility because of this, I feel I am not alone. I also have the most amazing hubby who is by my side and supports me through it all. For that, I am so grateful. We do have so much to be thankful for. I wish I could only have those good days where I only focus on my blessings. But I guess I'm human and I let hard times get me down from time to time.

So what to do from here? Do I go ahead and try this costly, physically and emotional trying procedure? At a chance of getting preggo? We're leaning towards IVF at this point. Trying everything in our power to be able to conceive. I just ask if anyone is reading this, will you please pray for us? For a miracle? My sis had the same procedure done a little over 10 years ago and she was successful with her IVF procedure. However, there are many ladies whom have tried and the procedure failed.

Crazy times ahead...at least we have support for eachother and from friends and family. It's in our fertility specialists and God's hands now. What we need now is just a few more doses of faith and hope.

One way or another, be it through IVF or adoption...we will be parents someday and will look forward to the day where we no longer have empty arms.

Decorating

So the last post had been in my draft folder for a few months. Since then, the hubster & I have done a few things to the house. :). Here's a few pics <3

And happy news! I'm off the Lupron now & am now seeing a fertility specialist. Fingers crossed that we'll have some good news soon! :)

It's been a long time!

I have been the worst blogger in the world and haven't posted anything in FOREVER!! I thought it was about time to do some updating. :) So here we go!! I'm not going to beat around the bush, I'm just going to get out here and say it...We bought a house!!! :D I'm beyond excited! The house is such a cute little place and it's already in great condition, so it's not like we have to do a ton to it...but I couldn't have my own place and not personalize it. :) So that's what we'll do little by little. It may take a while to save up the money to do all of these little projects/ updates, but it's cool! The fact that we no longer have to pay rent to a landlord, makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside...haha...sounds rediculous, but at this point...we're so done forking out the money on a rental, the amount we'll be paying on our mortgage! We'll be moving into our little abode by February 9th, in Provo (not too far from Jareds work). So it works out great! This has been something that we've wanted for so long and just feel so blessed to be able to experience the fun of being home owners. :) I just can't wait to actually paint my walls a different color than white/ beige (what has been in all of the places that we've rented within these past 3 1/2 years).

Well, besides the exciting house news, I have only 3 more months to be on this yucky Lupron medication for endometriosis! I know time will fly and just hope that my hubby and I will be able to conceive within the next year (if it's God's will). So lots of new and great changes. Life throws us some crazy curve balls sometimes...but all of the tough times make it all worth it, when good things come your way and reassure you that everything is going to work out. :) As long as we have eachother, we are blessed beyond measure.

Update

It's been a month since the surgery & I'm feeling great! :) The doctor confirmed a few weeks ago that I didn't have ovarian cancer...but that it was just a bunch of nasty "Endometriosis." It still isn't fun to hear that you have endo...but it was a HECK of a lot better than the really bad thing. I feel truly blessed. Now, it's time for me to start "Lupron." I only have to be on that for the next 6 months, then after that...hopefully we'll have some luck of becoming parents naturally (without the costly IVF procedure). But whatever it takes, we will do it! I just know that when I read that first plus sign on my pregnancy test, I will literally be the happiest girl in the world! :) Just keeping the faith & hoping for the best.
In other news, Jared & I took our first family pics since our wedding day! It was a blast! :) I know ge feels a little uncomfortable when a photographer is telling us to smooch, because "their watching," is what he told me lady night. ;) Haha...but he was a good sport about it. I know he'll be glad we took them when we're old people looking back on good times. :) Our photographer was the best too! She is a girl who's husband works with my hubby at Rocky Mountain Power. She made me bust up laughing so many times, I have a feeling I'll look like the donkey from Shrek, flashing my ginormous gums in the pics...haha...oh well. ;) It will all be worth it! (Hopefully she has a good Photoshop system as she's editing our pics!) ;) But really, family pics are great. I have a goal to have them done once a year...just to see the changes in our lives as the years pass by. Who knows, in a couple of years, we could change from a family of two, to a family of three! :) We'll see, I guess. But anywho...just thought I'd update this thing, since it's been a while!
-the end

Scared :-/

I went to my girl doctor yesterday. It's never fun when you have to go in the first place, but it had been two years since I've even had a check up, so I was extra nervous to be checked out. However, I didn't think that it was going to be too big of a deal. I'd tell them that I haven't been able to get pregnant for two years & they'd maybe just recommend me to see a fertility specialist and my husband to get checked too and that would be the extent of it right now. I was unfortunately wrong. :( he was checking me over and it seemed to be fine, until he moved to my right ovary. And there was this sound in his voice that concerned me. From there he told me that my ovary was swollen, which indicated a cyst or a possible tumor...even writing this is making my hands and feet sweat and me to feel sick in my stomach. So ttoady, I have to go to the hospital to have an ultrasound to check it out & a scheduled "laparoscopy" on September the 6th. I'm so scared right now. He told me not to worry too much, which put me a little at ease, but I can't help but freak out. :-/. This is NOT what I was expecting at all. I hope that all will be ok down there & that my dreams of having my own little baby aren't impossible now. What is wrong with me? Why can't I get Pregnant like all of the other ladies up here in Utah that seem to blink & then out pops a baby? I'm sorry & I don't mean any disrespect for all of you cute mommas out there. I should stop complaining, but this is definitely a trial right now. :(. Luckily the Lord doesn't give us any trials that we can't handle, right? I'm so sorry to be so negative, but it seems to help relieve some stress writing this down. On the up side, I'm so grateful for my wonderful husband that gave me a sweet blessing last night. With his support with Gods, my family & friends, I know we can make it through anything.

My Barbie Jeep

Last week my hubby and I finally bought our second car! :) After sharing one car for the first three years of our marriage, we decided that it was about time that we buy my "mom car." Haha....and nope, I'm not preggo yet, but at least when the time is right...I'll be a little more prepared. :) Speaking of, it'll be so nice when I can actually buckle up my little baby in the back seat of my barbie jeep. Lucky for me, I get to go to the gyno next week!!! Woopdideedoo! ;) So NOT excited for that, but hopefully I'll get some answers of what's going on and maybe some treatment options to be able to have a baby one day...just gotta keep the faith, right? But anyways, for family night on Monday night, Jared and I drove my car up the Provo canyon to test out the four wheel drive & it was so much fun! :) It'll be so nice to have that feature when the winter comes, too! And it was so nice to catch the sunset once we got to the top of the lookout point! All of the colors of the sky & the lights from the town were just beautiful!! As we drove back home, we were listening to a bunch of comedians on the "Sirius" satellite radio & decided that we really need to see a comedian show! Lol..it was a fun night! Here are a few pics :)

Picture crazy :)

So I'm obsessed with my phone and the camera capabilities! :) I started off just taking a few pics around our apartment, to always keep record of where we've lived...at least starting now, capturing things in their time & then thought it'd be fun to take pics of things that I'm interested in and hobbies that I have.  I'm definitely NOT a professional when it comes to photography...but I can tell it will soon become an obsession, especially with the Instigram app! ;)